In the south the expression" I'm a Hot Mess" means I'm falling apart, my life is falling apart, I bring chaos wherever I go. Well, I don't live in the south. I live in the North. The cold, deep, "BOLD NORTH" (which is what the promoters of the Super Bowl called us the year when temperatures for the Super Bowl in Minneapolis hit record lows). So, I can't be a "hot mess". It's only hot here for 3 and a half days a year. But, I can be, and often am, a cold mess. By that I mean that things that I do innocuously, without forethought, often cause little, and big messes. The toilet will be running, and I will try to stop it, and the hose from inside the toilet that I lift to try to stop the running will come loose and spray water all over the bathroom. I am working on the computer and I hit a button and everything disappears. I walk the dog before going to work and fall on the ice and break my wrist, but I don't know that for 3 days so I make the break worse and my healing takes twice as long as usual. Anything electronic and I have a very tenuous relationship. I have the basics down, but if anything goes wrong, my ability to fix that is very limited. The TV remote and I have a very difficult relationship. If I leave it on the settings I understand, it co-operates with me. If I try to watch, say Hulu, for example, all hell breaks loose. I remember my husband's very patient instructions. "It all makes sense. Just think of what you want to watch. Hit the cable button." So I do. A blank screen appears. "Actually, cable isn't under cable, it's under TV11." I hit TV11. Added to the previous blank screen is squiggly lines and a loud buzzing noise. Shit. What now? I do the only thing I know to do and call my husband in Hong Kong, and depending on what time of the day or night it is he walks me through getting back onto regular TV. Forget trying to get back on cable. If I want to watch a movie, I'll have to go to the theatre.
Today I tried to get a glass of water from the sink. Nothing happened. A little squishing noise came out, but not a drop of water. I remember one time I turned the main water valve off by mistake when I was putting Christmas decorations away, but I hadn't been in the basement. The toilet had been running and I wiggled the handle, but how could that have turned off the water? I knew I had done something to cause to this happen, but what? It was then that I noticed city workers outside on the street. Is it possible that I did nothing to cause this to happen? Not truly believing that, I put on my coat and went outside and as I was walking towards the worker, he said "It'll be a half hour." "The water?" I said. And he said "Yes." I asked if the city had told us the water was going to be turned off today. He said no, that something unexpected had happened that had caused the water to be turned off. Hallelujah! For a change, it wasn't me! But I can assure you, next time it WILL be my fault. Because I am a cold mess.
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